Friday, July 25, 2003
Stocks Rally as Noose Tightens
STOCKS RALLY AGAIN AS U.S. ANNOUNCES QUSAY, UDAY'S DEMISE A SECOND TIME
Wall Street Hails So-called 'Hussein Bounce'
Stocks rallied for the second straight day as the U.S. took the unusual step of announcing the deaths of Qusay and Uday Hussein a second time.
""We looked at what the announcement of their deaths did for the markets yesterday and we figured, hey, it couldn't hurt to announce them again,"" one White House aide said.
Given the extraordinary rally that greeted the second announcement of Uday and Qusay's deaths, the White House is considering re-announcing their deaths at least once a day, and possibly several times a day, until the Dow and the Nasdaq climb to pre-bear market levels.
On Wall Street, traders and analysts alike hailed the so-called ""Hussein bounce"" and predicted Uday and Qusay's deaths could sustain the rally well into the fall.
On Capitol Hill, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan had been expected today to testify before Congress about interest rates and the monetary supply, but instead devoted his entire testimony to the demise of Uday and Qusay.
""I'm very happy to report that Uday and Qusay Hussein are both dead,"" Mr. Greenspan said, sending the Dow rocketing another 900 points.
For his part, President Bush acknowledged that the deaths of Uday and Qusay were providing just the lift that the economy has needed.
""I never thought I'd say this, but killing those two bastards is even better than a tax cut,"" Mr. Bush told reporters.
-The always amusing Borowitz Report