Friday, September 30, 2005

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades

Onion_5_blade

The Onion makes me laugh out loud -- again:

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.




Source:
Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company, February 18, 2004 | Issue 40•07
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930

See also:

Gillette's Five-Blade Wonder
William C. Symonds
Business Week, SEPTEMBER 15, 2005 
http://www.businessweek.com/bwdaily/dnflash/sep2005/nf20050915_1654_db035.htm

Posted at 02:14 PM in Finance, Humor | Permalink

TrackBack

TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00d8341c52a953ef00d83459ba5453ef

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades:

Comments

And another thing... have you ever noticed how, when they bring out a new multi-blade model, the old design ALWAYS seems to get blunter? So you end up having to upgrade...

Posted by: Carl | Oct 1, 2005 12:11:30 PM

What a fantastic site!
Topics that are off-beat/creative & most of all FUNNY!!

Re: Gillette's 5 Blader...the Marketeers fumbled big time by not using the Fibonacci series to arrive at the ultimate Shaving Platform of 8 Blades as follows:

1+1=2 2+1=3 3+2=5 5+3=8

The next number is 13 which is a no-no...and 21 Blades is both unAmerican and unwieldy if you ask me.

But an 8 Blader('the OCTO") - Now you're talkin'...regards, Ned

Posted by: Ned Walker | Feb 4, 2006 12:42:02 PM

The comments to this entry are closed.