Saturday, June 30, 2007

Subject: Farewell!

This is ostensibly true email has been circulating to JPM/Chase senior management from a disgruntled employee:

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Today is my last day."

For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful Saroj Hariprashad: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "meets expectation." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Trish!

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I've actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Philip Cress, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about Joe Cobbinah were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.

To Brenda Ashby whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.

To Sylvia Keenan, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets.  ; )

To Bob Malvin (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can't believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.

Don Merritt (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I'm happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company's rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of the executives of this company, Jamie Dimon and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it's a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us "faceless little people" more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the morale of this company.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient ("because it's good for the company") in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don't bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.

One!

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Friday, June 29, 2007

Fun With Zune!

A few amusing ditties about the Zune and iPhone:

Posted at 06:04 AM in Music, Web/Tech | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Thursday, June 28, 2007

What Branch of Government is that?

His Imperial Cheneyness:

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Ben Sargent via Yahoo!





With this post, w add a new category:  Idiot!

Posted at 06:31 PM in Humor, Idiot!, Politics | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Bob Dylan Wrote Every Pop Hit of the Past 35 Years

Bob Dylan, the so-called voice of a generation, is actually repsonsible for every hit song of the past 35 years

Very, very funny:

via Super Deluxe

Posted at 06:06 AM in Humor, Music | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Top 10 Greatest Most Amusing Band Names

I hate to just lift a post from someone else -- thats so rookie. But Jesus H. Christopher Columbus, a pre-advert, then a top 10 list posted on 3 separate pages?

Can you say Advertising Whores

Anyway, here's the top 10.

If you can stomach the ads, the commentary is quite amusing. I wouldn't call these the greatest names --just the most amusing . . .

Top 10 Greatest Most Amusing Band Names

10. Y'All So Stupid

9. The Butthole Surfers

8. Pigmy Love Circus

7. Brian Jonestown Massacre

6. !!!
(the band has gone on record saying that it is pronounced "Chick-Chick-Chick.

5. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem

4. Camper Van Beethoven

3. The F@#king Champs

2. …And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead

1. Scraping Foetus Off The Wheel

Two of my own suggestions made the Honorable mention list:  The Dead Kennedys, Kathleen Turner Overdrive, Nashville P@ssy (See below for the rest)

Honorable Mentions

Fields of Nephilim
Stone Temple Pilots
Temple of the Dog
Fountains of Wayne
Mott the Hoople
Monks of Doom
Throwing Muses
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Gnarls Barkley
The Dead Kennedys
Uriah Heep
Van Der Graaf Generator
Skinny Puppy
Roky Erickson and the 13th Floor Elevators
Nashville P@ssy
Southern Culture on the Skids
Cradle of Filth
Theory of a Deadman
Children of Bodom


Posted at 06:38 AM in Humor, Music | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Cuba Gooding Jr. for Cialis

Very amusing

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Monday, June 25, 2007

Bloomberg & the GOP

Amusing Take on the recent party affiliation changes:

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Tom Toles via Yahoo!

Posted at 06:00 PM in Humor, Politics | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Handy AMG Guide

Autograf_2

Excerpt:

In recent months, I sampled AMG’s four-alarm buffet in every imaginable style and portion, and my taste buds are still on fire. Among them was the E63, at first glance just another E-Class sedan, the Ford Taurus of upscale suburbia. Yet with 507 horsepower under its hood, the E63 is one of several Jekyll and Hyde AMGs. It can give that young hooligan at the stoplight in a Mustang a paddling he won’t forget — and then revert to being an upstanding citizen for a trip to the local boutiques.

Founded in 1967 as an independent racing shop specializing in Mercedes cars, AMG — it took its name from the initials of its founders, Hans-Warner Aufrecht and Erhard Melcher, and from Mr. Aufrecht’s birthplace of Grossaspach, Germany — the company used racing success as a springboard to develop speedy production Benzes. Its first American model arrived in 1995, the C36 AMG sedan.

And its philosophy of “one man, one engine,” with each power plant hand-assembled by a single technician, continues today.


>

Source:
AMG: Passcode to Absolute Power in a Mercedes-Benz
LAWRENCE ULRICH
NYT, June 17, 2007
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/17/automobiles/autoreviews/17AUTO.html

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Sunday, June 24, 2007

Help!

Music video for Help! from The Beatles


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Saturday, June 23, 2007

100 Movies, 100 Quotes, 100 Numbers

Clever!

This is a parody of all the "100" list specials that the American Film Institute keeps putting out. It's my first time working with video editing and my first YouTube post. Complete list at here:

Posted at 06:07 AM in Film, Humor | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack