Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and
contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a
ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the
other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!  If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.  I must exit through
the same door I entered.  I have been using the bathroom by myself for
years - your attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first.  Then go smell the
other dog’s or cat's butt.  I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on
the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.  That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals.  To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) aren’t interested in wearing your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and finally,
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .