Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The Facts (and Fiction) of Tornadoes
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Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Greenie's real new gig .... Stunt double for the Hamburglar
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Monday, May 23, 2011
BE READY THERE YOU "GOLFERS"! !
Golf is harder than baseball.foul balls.
In golf, you have to play your
My Favorite Photos For Any Day
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took
his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something
glistening in the leaves.. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an
eight iron in the hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted.. "You can't get out of here with
an eight iron.
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson."Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor."P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied."Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely
a vain attempt to do the same thing."
The owner of a golf course was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help. He called
her into his office and said, 'You graduated from
the University of Tennessee and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how
much would you take off?' She replied: "Everything but my ear rings!"
Fore! My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother..
"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him.
"How much is six plus nine plus eight?"
"Five," answered the nephew.
"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of
tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing
left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain,
the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before
taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot. The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the
phrase 'maul it again.' A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement
between two golfers ... neither of whom
can putt very well.. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter
how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out
and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and
miss every green. The next day you go out and
for no reason at all you really stink. If your best shots are the practice swing and
the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider
this game. Golf is the only sport where the most feared
opponent is you.Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too
seriously it won't work, and both are expensive. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and
met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer
asked, "What's your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied."Really!" exclaimed the first woman suitably impressed that she was
paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
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The story of the once productive Ant
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Sunday, May 22, 2011
Ding dong, Your bookmark's dead !
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Luckovich: Drill baby drill, for tax breaks!
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Friday, May 20, 2011
Volume 1, Understanding Women is here
With great satisfaction we inform you that the first volume of "Basic Introductory Manual to Understanding Women" is now available.
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Posted at 09:49 AM | Permalink
Thursday, May 19, 2011
New Study Finds iPad is Cure for Adultery
New Study Finds iPad is Cure for Adultery; Owners ‘Stop Noticing Other People Altogether’
Mandatory Equipment for New Chief, IMF Says
CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) – A new scientific study released today says that iPad owners are less likely to commit adultery “because they stop noticing other people altogether.”According to the study, commissioned by Apple, Inc., iPad use disrupts what scientists agree are the necessary first stages of extramarital sex: “noticing, admiring, and talking to other people.”The study, which was conducted on a sample of one thousand iPad owners, found that not only did iPad use make them thoroughly uninterested in extramarital sex, “their nonstop talking about the amazing features and apps on their iPads made them completely unattractive to potential sex partners as well.”The study also indicated that iPad owners are far less likely to have sex with the people they are married to, but that in two-iPad couples “neither partner seems to care.”The new findings about the iPad drew widespread praise for the tablet device, including an official seal of approval from the National Association of Housekeepers and Maids.In Europe, the International Monetary Fund announced that the iPad would be “mandatory equipment” for any candidate who hopes to take the helm of the IMF.In Washington, presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said that the latest findings about the iPad made him interested in purchasing one, “but first I’ve got to pay off this damn Tiffany’s bill.”In other political news, potential presidential candidate Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) said today that she was preparing for the GOP debates, including “studying up on where the Boston Tea Party took place.”
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