Saturday, October 01, 2011



Guy has a headache and goes to his doctor.


Patient:  "I'd like something for this headache."


Doctor:  "Well, you can take an aspirin, or I could prescribe heroin for you, which will *really* make you feel good."


Patient:  "Heroin?  Is that safe?"


Doctor:  "Yes, everyone is doing it, and I see you haven't had any history with it, so it should be no trouble at all to get you started."


Patient:  "Well, I've seen some people on heroin, and they seem really happy when they do it."


Doctor:  "Here's your prescription.  It'll cost $100, but your insurance will pay for that, so it costs you no more than a $10 aspirin."  (pockets a 10% fee for prescribing it).  "Come back if you ever want a refill... we might also be able to give you coke if you want to structure things differently."

Patient:  "Thanks Doctor.  Wow!  I never thought it would be possible to do this kind of thing safely.  Thanks for showing me how I can."


...several months pass...



Patient:  "Help, Doctor, I'm addicted to heroin!  It's destroying my life, and it's no fun anymore."


Doctor:  "Well, it's your own darned fault, everyone knows that heroin is addictive and dangerous."


Patient:  "But you said it was ok to take it.  You prescribed it to me."


Doctor:  "No, YOU asked for it.  You could have had an aspirin and avoided this problem entirely.  Don't blame me."


Patient:  "I've got 100 friends and neighbors that are addicted too, and we're going to sue you for malpractice."


Doctor:  "If I get sued for malpractice, there won't be any Doctors anymore, and people will have no good advice on how to treat headaches."


Government:  "Oh, that sounds bad.  Here, Doctor, have some money I've collected from Patients.  Now go heal them."


Doctor:  "I'm not going to heal them.  They're all drug addicts, worthless scumbags that they are.  I'm a Doctor.  I went to medical school.  I know how to take care of myself and manage risks.  Why should I have to give up anything to help a bunch of losers that went and got themselves addicted... and they still owe me for future visits....


... oh wait... did you say you were going to give me money??"


Government:  "Yes, and all you have to do is take it and look like we have Doctors treating responsible patients now."


Doctor:  "Great, and if you just agree to let me continue what I was doing before, I'll give you 0.01% of the money you just handed me to get re-elected."


Government:  "Awesome.  Yeah, those patients really are kinda losers.  If Doctors were just allowed to charge and prescribe what they want, no one would ever get sick, because Doctors know best!  They went to medical school!"




[my apologies to any doctor friends who got offended by the analogy to bankers]

Posted at 02:17 PM | Permalink