Sunday, August 03, 2003

Ghastly Gigli Grotesquely Garrotted

I have no interest in this film . . . and I would have left it alone, except, that these 2 auteurs decided they wanted to remake Casablanca (give that a second to sink in) THEY WANT TO REMAKE CASABLANCA.

Remake Casablanca? Puh-Leeze!

Imagine this conversation at the Pearly Gates:

GOD: What on Earth had you thinking you could remake Casablanca?
He: I'm pretty handsome.
She: I have a nice ass.
God: You two can go to Hell.

They'll get what they deserve . . . eventually. But until judgement day arrives, the WSJ decided to gather up the most horrific reviews of the soon-to-be-married couple. Call it an early wedding present:

Ghastly 'Gigli' Reviews:
"Gigli," which stars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, is the worst movie -- all right, the worst allegedly major movie -- of our admittedly young century. More stupefying follies may come, but it's impossible to imagine how they'll beat this one for staggering idiocy, fatuousness or pretension.
-- Joe Morgenstern, The Wall Street Journal:

"Nearly as unwatchable as it is unpronounceable ... this movie would stink even without its big-ticket stars, which isn't to say that either is entirely blameless. ...Ben Affleck is a "passable actor but a lousy star -- the bigger the movie, the worse he comes across."
-- Manohla Dargis, L.A. Times

"Put together enough pointless, random details, and you get "Gigli," a movie that's less incompetent than bewildering. How on earth did writer-director Martin Brest ("Meet Joe Black," "Scent of a Woman") envision this movie? As "Chasing Amy" meets "Rain Man" meets "Pulp Fiction"? Did someone think that sounded like a winning combination?"
--Mark Caro, Chicago Tribune :

Mr. Affleck and Ms. Lopez's combined fees reportedly ran close to $25 million, and they earn their money by hogging as much screen time as possible and uttering some of the lamest dialogue ever committed to film. ... Buried in the slow, talky, inanities that the two stars exchange are some potentially interesting ideas about female sexual self-assertion and male surrender, but neither the actors nor the filmmakers have any notion about how to explore them.
-- A. O. Scott, the New York Time:

"Gigli" is a disaster. ...The script, by writer-director-producer Martin Brest, looks as if it began life as a crime drama with a heart. It has since morphed into a comedy without a pulse."
-- Jamie Bernard, New York Daily News:

"[Jennifer Lopez's character] claims to know how to rip out people's eyes so fast that all their visual memory is yanked out, too. You'll walk out of Gigli wishing for the rip that takes the past two hours."
-- Tim Appelo, Seattle Weekly:

"There's no rhythm to [writer/director Martin Brest's] putrid dialogue, no flow to his preposterous scenes. ...The movie occasionally builds momentum, but crass punch lines linger around every corner, ready to stop this train in its tracks."
--Sean O'Connell,

"The movie tries to do something different, thoughtful, and a little daring with [the lead characters'] relationship, and although it doesn't quite work, maybe the movie is worth seeing for some scenes that are really very good. ...Lopez and Affleck are sweet and appealing in their performances; the buzz said they didn't have chemistry, but the buzz was wrong. What they don't have is conviction. There is no way these two are killers for the mob."
-- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

"Focus groups at advance screenings for Gigli, a romantic comedy starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez set to open nationwide July 30, have demanded a new ending in which both stars die "in as brutal a manner as possible," sources at Sony Pictures said Tuesday.

"The movie is pretty good, I guess," read one comment card from a test-screening audience in Culver City, CA. "I liked the Al Pacino character, but I had a hard time buying Jennifer Lopez as a lesbian. I also really, really wanted [Affleck and Lopez's characters] Larry and Ricki to die, to get shot or blown up or run over by something. I would prefer to see the blood and the looks on their faces."
--Gigli Focus Groups Demand New Ending In Which Both Affleck And Lopez Die

Posted at 10:47 PM in Film | Permalink


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