essays & effluvia: March 2005

Thursday, March 31, 2005

New Office Slang

404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”

Adminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.”

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Batmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”

Beepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Betamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market”

Blamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Blowing Your Buffer - Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn, I just blew my buffer!” (Synonym: “Head Crash”)

Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Bookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. “After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.”

Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?” Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. “I paid three grand for that Mac and now it’s nothing but chip jewelry.”

Chips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.”

Cobweb - A WWW site that is never updated.

Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!”

CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.....

Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Dorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.”

Egosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.

Elvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in “1993 was Barney the dinosaur’s Elvis year”

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in “we were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was”

Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?”

Going Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages

GOOD job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land - The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.”

High Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running.

Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

It’s a Feature - From the old adage, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people’s computer keyboards.

Link Rot - The process by which web page’s links become obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change or die.

Meatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also “carbon community” “facetime” “F2F” “RL”

Mouse Potato - The online generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot - To quit unexpectedly. “My cellular phone just perot’ed.”

Plug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.”

Prairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what’s going on.

Ribs ‘N’ Dick - A budget with no fat as in “we’ve got ribs ‘n’ dick and we’re supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades”

Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. “God, today was a total salmon day!”

Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Siliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also “Hollywired”

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. “Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage”

Square-Headed Spouse - Computer

Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. “Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?”

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.

Tourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this is Dale, my...um...friend.”

Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks.

World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.

Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

Yuppie Food Coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

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UPDATE: September 25, 2005 11:42 pm

Although this was originally sourced from an email (no author mentioned), several readers have commented that much of this was originally in Wired Magazine.

If someone would be so kind as to point me to a link, I could credit them (I couldn't find any comprehensive post at Wired.com).

Posted at 10:15 AM in Games | Permalink | Comments (34) | TrackBack

I'm a Cappucinno

"What Kind of Coffee are You?"

You're a Cappucinno.
You're a Cappicinno!

What Kind of Coffee are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Posted at 07:56 AM in Food and Drink | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Photo Caption Time

This Photo comes from Le Monde:

via Name This Thing

Caption away!

Posted at 11:08 AM in Photo Caption Contest! | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Honey, we're out of SBG

Is this a real product . . .

. . . or merely an invitation to discuss branding and marketing ?

Via Wordlab

Posted at 06:00 AM in Humor | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

What time is it?

How cool is this?

Its 12:34 . . .

via Gizmodo, ThinkGeek

Posted at 05:31 AM in Design | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Dog Kisses

Click photo for movie

very funny . . .

Posted at 10:03 AM in Humor | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Terri Schiavo's Blog

Terri Schiavo's Blog is as offensive, obnoxious, insensitive -- and outright hysterical -- as anything you ever saw on South Park.

Typical posts are things like mmmmmnegh and nggnugh.

If you have no concern for your mortal soul, then be sure to read the comments . . . Warning: If you laugh out loud at anything posted there, you will burn in Hell forever.

Posted at 09:42 AM in Humor, Weblogs | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Monday, March 28, 2005

Video iPod ?

The Linux-based MediaREADY FlyBoy™ Portable Media Player records up to 80 hours of video, stores over 200,000 digital pictures, or holds up to 740 hours of music on its 40 GB hard drive. Internal USB 2.0 hard drive allows the Flyboy to receive files from any PC, or VWB's MediaREADY 4000 or 5000.

Heres the press release.

3.5 inch LCD screen 0;
80 hours of video;
12,000 MP3s;
200,000 Pictures;
Digital Voice Recording;
Data Storage;
built-in speakers;
40Gig HD;
MP3; RM;
Custom Linux OS;

Price? $349

Impressive stats given the price . . .

Posted at 11:49 AM in Design, Film, Music | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Electric Scooter

A company named Vectrix has a new Electric Scooter coming out:

The stats on the bike are pretty cool:

On sale in Europe late this year;
25% cheaper Cost of Ownership;
lower maintenance costs ;
zero spent on gas;
nickel metal hydride batteries cost fifty cents to recharge;
top speed > 60 miles an hour;
range is ~68 miles at 30 mph;
recharge time is ~two hours;

The rechargeable electric scooter will cost $10,000; Parker Hannifin is an investor in the firm. Granted, its not a $300 scooter, but its still pretty cool looking . . .

Source:
Electric and Fuel Cell Scooters on the Horizon
March 20, 2005
http://www.carbuyersnotebook.com/archives/2005/03/electric_and_fu.htm

Posted at 07:10 AM in Design | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Jews & Jesus

So I am having a pre-Easter conversation with a friend who grew up in a very Christian mid-Western town. Until he moved to New York, he had never met a person of Jewish faith (No, we never had a "dude, where are your horns?" moment).

He's now a very urbane New Yorker . . . Yet he's having a hard time wrapping his brain around the whole "Jesus being just another person of no particular religous significance to us Jews" thing.

I explain the whole waiting for the Messiah (Jewish) versus waiting for the Messiah's Second Coming (Christian).

He still doesn't get it.

He's a huge baseball fan, so I try to use the rooting for the home team analogy. After explaining that most of the world looks at Jesus that way, i.e., as just another philosopher, and that two thirds of the planet are not Christians, he starts to get an inkling of understanding. After all, you may not root for the other team's slugger, but you appreciate his RBIs and Home Run totals.

"So what is the Jews relationship to Jesus?" he asks.

"He was traded for a player to be named later . . ."

That he understands.

Posted at 09:08 AM in Philosophy, Religion | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack