Sunday, September 18, 2005

Curmudgeonly Insults

A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.
- - - Louis Nizer

A steaming pile of clichés and screaming unlikelihoods.
- - - Jessica Winters (about the movie Hostage)

As entertaining as watching a potato bake.
- - - Marc Savlov (about the movie, Taxi)

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
- - - Groucho Marx

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
- - - Oscar Levant

Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
- - - Winston Churchill

Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.
- - - Jonathan Swift

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- - - Groucho Marx

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.
- - - Neil Simon

He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.
- - - Eddie Cantor

He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
- - - Raymond Chandler

He's completely unspoiled by failure.
- - - Noel Coward

He's liked, but he's not well liked.
- - - Arthur Miller

Here's where we we get out the thesaurus and look up synonyms for "garbage."
- - - Mike LaSalle (about the movie, Shanghai Knights)

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- - - Mae West

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
- - - Steven Pearl

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
- - - Groucho Marx

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
- - - Mark Twain

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- - - Mark Twain

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
- - - Stephen Bishop

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- - - Clarence Darrow

I never liked him and I always will.
- - - Dave Clark

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- - - Fred Allen

I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.
- - - Robert Louis Stevenson

I thought men like that shot themselves.
- - - King George V

I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
- - - Irving Brecher (Marx Bros. "At the Circus")

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- - - Groucho Marx

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- - - Irvin S. Cobb

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- - - Charles Pierce

In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.
- - - Ellen Glascow

I've had them both, and I don't think much of either.
- - - Beatrix Lehmann (watching a Hollywood wedding.)

Lacks thrills, narrative, emotion, believability, character development, and, frankly, watchability.
- - - Aaron Hillis (about the movie, Elektra)

Also ...
Devotees of awful filmmaking can't go wrong with this one.
- - - Michael Wilmington (about the movie, Elektra)

Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life.
- - - Ivy Compton-Burnett

She's good, being gone.
- - - William Shakespeare

Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
- - - William Dean Howells

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- - - Ashleigh Brilliant

The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.
- - - Jackie Gleason

The characters are so flat and the dialogue so dull you expect it to be one of those movies whose existence is justified by a big final twist. But it's three days after the screening, and still no twist. Maybe it's coming in the mail?
- - - Kyle Smith (about the movie, The Jacket)

The gods too are fond of a joke.
- - - Aristotle

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.
- - - Joseph Stilwell

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
- - - Jack E. Leonard

They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.
- - - Hunter S. Thompson

We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
- - - Ashleigh Brilliant

Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind.
- - - John Ehrlichman

What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank.
- - - Liberace

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
- - - Milton Berle

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
- - - Groucho Marx

You have delighted us long enough.
- - - Jane Austen

You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
- - - Jim Samuels

You're a parasite for sore eyes.
- - - Gregory Ratoff

Posted at 08:41 AM in Humor | Permalink


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They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.
- - - Hunter S. Thompson

...on Hubert Humphrey, no less. Cazart!

Posted by: Captain Slack | Sep 25, 2005 11:13:06 AM

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